In these days of everything being ‘fast’ -fast food, fast cars, fast internet, marriages are also crashing as fast as they are being contracted.
Let it be understood here that marriage is being taken to mean a heterosexual union, and not the same-sex marriage.
Marriages are crashing like packs of cards, almost everywhere you look. Perhaps this is attributable to marriage being likened to a ‘cage’?
In marriage breakdown, sometimes one person is guilty. Other times, both are. Unfortunately, it takes the two parties to make things work out. Short-lived marriages are often the result of sudden events, while the breakdown of long-term marriages are the result of long-term marital disputes left unresolved for long – by both parties.
Let us examine some of the primary reasons for divorce..
INFIDELITY: A sizeable portion of marriages end because of
adultery, especially when it occurs during the first years of marriage, and the party cheated upon is psychologically unprepared to take it in his / her stride.
If the marriage has been on for a while, the experienced couples are better-equipped to possibly patch things up after a philandering.
INCOMPATIBILITY: Generally speaking, hasty unions are full of nasty surprises. Not spending enough time to know your future partner before tying the knot may end up creating problems later in the marriage
The discovery of critical differences in opinion / attitude regarding religioous, ideologocal or political beliefs, professional ambition, the desire for / nunber of children, irreconcilable differences in personality traits could be a source of constant interpersonal strife, which may get to a head, eventually.
Narcissistic or abusive behavior, deep jealousy, verbal bullying / physical violence can manifest at any point of conjugal life, creating the feeling of being married to a total stranger. The chemistry would be absent, and biology may take over! .
The critical difference in perspectoves may be the result of marrying across religion, race or tribe, as our outlook in life is often shaped by these factors.
MONEY: The lack of money, the loss of a job / unemployment, indebtedness are destabilizing factors to any relationship, marriage inclusive. Not properly managed, the marriage may sink into a crater!
Paucity of funds is a veritable source of stress and anguish, degrading the practical life before decimating the emotional life.
IN-LAWS: In my neck of the forest, we have a saying that a difficult wife is far easier for deal with than horrible in-laws.
When you marry someone, you are marrying the family of the spouse along with him/her. Between interference, criticism, advice, etc,
it is difficult for the couple to maintain marital space without appearing distant from family. So, a look at the kind of family the spouse comes from would be in order before saying, ‘I do’. (for example, people from abusive homes tend to be abusive themselves , while someone from a broken home may be very flippant in throwing the marriage vows into the lagoon).
REMOTENESS : Humans evolve over time. Sometimes, someone radically outgrows the partner either intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and feels a deep disconnect with the significant other because ‘levels have changed’. This lack of connection is likely to dampen the spark of intimacy between the two, and cause the unappreciated one to feel frustration and resentment and (begin to) look elsewhere.
INFERTILTY: The inability for the couple to have a child for whatever reason, (which may be the fault of the husband / wife) for a long period often causes separation. Societal / family pressure often crack the marriage open.
Sometimes, in cultures where the male child is treasured over and above the female counterpart, a marriage could run into troubled waters if all the children produced are females only, and the man is hell-bent in having his carbon copy !
AGE DIFFERENCE : Marrying someone far older is a big risk. The attitude to life and general perspectives are likely to be very different. Additionally, midlife crises sometimes trigger a reflexive drive for a younger spouse as a reaction to the anguish of failing health and imminent death, and the heightening of self-confidence / sense of worth.
ARGUMENTS: Again, there is a saying that, arguments spoil friendship. A marriage where there is always heated, emotional (not intellectual) kinds of argument may eventually hit the rocks. This may be connected to some of the points earlier highlighted (like not knowing your spouse well enough).
BOREDOM:’Routine’ eventually set into any marriage of many years. This can result in lassitude, possibly taking your spouse for granted and not appreciating (or expressing appreciation) enough. To live permanently together, with excitement, requires a regular reinvention of the relationship so as to NOT sink into routine. Not addressing this leads to boredom. From boredom, an affair may literally just be lurking next door, and then, wham.
SEX : As age sets in, and hormonal changes occur, the couple may suffer from a shared (or one-sided) sexual disinterest. Communication is key to tackling this.
If only one of the couples has the flattened libido level, it is a problem that must be addressed to prevent a possible fracture.